Tips for Relationships

How Do I Stop Dating Unavailable People (Men)?

Do you find yourself, time after time, dating people who just aren’t that into you? Here are 3 things you can do right now to put a stop to it.

I'm sefora!

I have been a transformational leader and coach for over 20 years. As a therapist, I am trained in how psychobiology affects your relationships and how to create secure attachment. I studied attachment work for 2 decades both personally and professionally. Changing your attachment style is possible. I'll be honest, it takes grit! But there are things that most people can learn that can improve their attachment in relationships. 


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Do you find yourself, time after time, dating people who just aren’t that into you? Here are 3 things you can do right now to put a stop to it.


In the dating world, defining your relationship “type” is commonplace. Tall, dark, and handsome? Must love dogs and hot yoga? How about, “Need not be emotionally available”? So many of us spend time dating – and agonizing over – unavailable people. It doesn’t need to be this way! I’m going to share 3 easy tips to stop dating unavailable people:

1. Understand Your “Why”

One of the first things you can do to stop dating unavailable people is to understand why you find them attractive. Is it because there’s mystery? Is it because you’re used to being around unavailable people? Usually, there is some template for dating unavailable people that traces back to your family. Maybe your father or your mother was somewhat distant and you either spent a lot of time alone, or independent in tackling your needs, in particular your emotional needs, or you had intermittent support, so sometimes they were there and sometimes they weren’t. Understanding the template that was formed is really key in terms of shifting this pattern. It may be that you have an anxious attachment style. Learn more about anxious attachment here.

2. Stop Chasing!

The second thing you can do to stop dating unavailable people is to stop chasing. In order to stop chasing, you need some interrupting behaviors that stop you from texting that person again or seeing them. The interrupting behaviors can be boundaries that you set up for yourself, like “I’m only going to go out with this person if they respond within this set amount of time,” or “If they respond to me late at night for what is clearly not a date, I’ll respond by saying ‘I’d love to have a real date with you and you can reach back out to me if that’s something you’re interested in’” versus going over to their house late on a Saturday night when it’s not really about connecting with you, it’s more about connecting with your body. There are lots of other boundaries you can set in place for yourself that can interrupt behavior that might be sabotaging you. It’s always easier to establish boundaries ahead of time than in the moment.

3. Rise Above the Excuses

The third thing you can do to stop dating unavailable people is to stop being a victim. Ouch, right? I know it’s a harsh thing to say but a lot of people have victim stories that are something along the lines of “I’m never going to find something better than this” or “There’s not enough people out there that are really quality so I have to just take whatever comes to me” or “I don’t have enough time to really date people” or “It’s too hard to find and date people that are really quality.” What I would say to all of that is these are challenges but ultimately aren’t really true. To stay inside of these beliefs is essentially to stay inside of a victim story and I would challenge you to not be a victim. These things can be overcome. You can put the work in and prioritize it. It doesn’t have to be hard; you can even make it fun!

For more help with dating or changing your relationship template, check out my courses.

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