Tips for Relationships

5 Signs of a Healthy, Securely Attached Relationship

In this post, we explore five key signs of a healthy securely attached relationship.

I'm sefora!

I have been a transformational leader and coach for over 20 years. As a therapist, I am trained in how psychobiology affects your relationships and how to create secure attachment. I studied attachment work for 2 decades both personally and professionally. Changing your attachment style is possible. I'll be honest, it takes grit! But there are things that most people can learn that can improve their attachment in relationships. 


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Understanding the aspects of secure attachment is crucial as it lays the foundation for building healthy and fulfilling relationships, fostering emotional safety, trust, and genuine connection between partners. Here are 5 signs that a relationship is healthy and secure!

1)  The relationship is truly Mutual: 

What I often say this means is “it’s good for me and it’s good for you.” Healthy couples are looking for win-wins.  They know how to prioritize each other’s needs and look for ways to work for both people.  This is quite different than a relationship where one person is constantly stretching to work around another person’s needs. In a Mutual relationship, both partners know what the other needs and wants to succeed, to be healthy, and to be connected and you make those things happen.

2)  You Respond Quickly to the Other’s Bid for Connection: 

In a healthy relationship when one person makes a bid for connection, in other words reaches out to feel connected, (this can be over text or person) the other person response relatively quickly.  One person might lean in for a hug or want to chat, and in healthy relationships you see people respond to that bid.  Now, this doesn’t mean that if they’re in the middle of something really important that they don’t say, “Oh, hey, I’m I’m in the middle of something. I’ll get back to you in a few minutes” but they respond relatively quickly to connect with their partner. In this way you know you can rely on your partner for support, and that creates a lot of health. Studies have shown that in healthy relationships there’s a lot of what we call “co-regulation” happening. And co-regulation means that there’s a contact physical touch, often holding, or quiet love with the other person. And that co-regulation creates a lot of support for your nervous system. You feel in sync with your partner and studies show that you actually are in sync, your breath synchronizes, your heart can synchronize. And that co-regulation supports your entire nervous system and to feel good in life. And so when couples respond quickly to the bids for connection, and they have this co-regulation, people often feel just very supported in life. When you don’t have this co-regulation happening and you don’t have quick bids for connection, you often feel worse in a relationship.

3)  You Know How to Repair Quickly: 

The third thing that is a sign of healthy relationships is when people repair fairly quickly from conflict. Couples who are healthy often they know how to repair with their partner. They know what works, they know what kinds of things to say, and they are able to get through conflict pretty easily. When there’s a larger conflict, they know how to recover from that much faster than couples that are unhealthy. 

4)  You Act as a Team: 

The fourth thing that healthy couples do is they act as a team. Their relationship comes first. They don’t keep secrets. They’re able to make really good decisions together. They know how to tackle a problem in a way that’s collaborative. And sometimes this means that they do different things for their family to run well. But in general they’re in communication with each other about money finance, trips they’re going to take and they’re able to do all of those things in a way that feels like a collaborative team. 

5)  You are both responsible for the health and well-being of the relationship:

In a healthy couple, if one person says “I think there is some way we are disconnected this week” the other person will be responsive and they work as a team to course correct anything that is going on. Both people are tracking the emotions running in the relationship they’re tracking the health of the connection. They’re tracking what how much quality time they have been spending with each other. They are responsible for what makes their relationship run well and they are owning that responsibility, taking action on it on a regular basis. They know what to do to make their relationship a healthy container for love to flourish and they’re proactive to keep those things going.  This might sound like a lot, but it’s like driving a car, or running a successful business.  Once you know what works well, a lot of the tracking becomes second nature. 

All of these aspects of secure relationships can be improved over time, and healthy couples continue to get better and better at these. If you are interested in more support to become securely attached, check out our resources page!

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