I love this poem from Rilke: “Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.”
I first wrote about it here back in 2011… and I still think about it ALL the time when I’m working with my clients.
What the dragons are:
So often we have strong feelings of pain, jealousy, disgust or rage that seem like awful feelings. In a way, those feelings are dragons.
They seem gnarly and evil, snarling at us to pay attention to them. They also feel out of control, like they’re causing havoc in our lives.
Why I say “Great!”:
But most of the time when one of these “dragons” comes up for my clients, my response is “Great!”
Usually the person has something that needs tending to. And that’s where the princess that needs saving is.
Under all of the rage or pain, there is usually a helpless part of us that never got their needs met. It might be a lonely 4 year old, or a scared 7 year old huddling in the corner.
These days I’d call this attachment work. Those young parts learned early on what to expect from love, and they STILL show up whenever we feel left out, criticized or alone.
So what do we do with the little one inside?
Save them, of course! We are, after all, the hero that we have been waiting for.
We are, after all, the hero that we have been waiting for.
It can be a little tricky sometimes. But if we can see past the dragon of feelings to the younger part that needs saving, we can often soothe that young part. We can identify what that young part of us needs to hear… and say it to them.
Yes, I mean talk to yourself:
So, you might be thinking, “What do you mean, Sefora? Talk to myself? Isn’t that a bit strange?”
Yes, I do mean talk to yourself. (It doesn’t have to be out loud.)
And if you think about it, you’re probably already talking to yourself all the time… just critically. How many of us have internal dialogues that say “you really shouldn’t have done that” or “come on, get your act together!”
So I’m suggesting you try saying some nice things to yourself. More specifically, say to the sweet, little, young, scared part of you the things it needs to hear:
- “I see you.”
- “You’re safe.”
- “You’re loved.”
- “You’re beautiful.”
It helps to actually imagine a young child you who REALLY needs that assurance.
Becoming your own knight in shining armor:
If you can soothe that part of yourself, then you really do become the knight in shining armor.
Over time, the need to have someone else save the day lessens as well.
A small practice to try this week:
- The next time a big feeling shows up, pause and name it: “Oh. There’s a dragon.”
- Ask yourself, how old does this part of me feel?
- Picture that younger you. (A hand on your heart can help.)
- Say what they need to hear: “I see you.” “You’re safe.” “I’m here.”
- Notice what shifts, even a little.
Questions to sit with:
A few questions to explore on your own, in a journal, or with someone you trust:
- What “dragon” feeling shows up for you most often?
- What might that feeling be protecting?
- What would it look like to meet it, just once, with beauty and courage?
- What words did your younger self most need to hear?
So go for it. Be the roaring dragon, the princess needing saving, and the prince, all in one swoop!
Curious how your younger self learned to love?
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And if you want to go deeper, my free training, Attachment Essentials, walks you through how attachment patterns form and how they change.
And when a dragon shows up and you want a little company, my free guided meditations can help your body feel soothed and safe. They live inside my free Resource Yourself Community, along with the training.
With love,
Sefora
