Hello my friend — welcome back to the Resource Yourself podcast. I’m here to ground you in the goodness that is all around you so that when the hard stuff happens you navigate it with wisdom, resilience and grace.
Today we’re talking about something that has completely changed the way I approach work, dating, creativity and honestly almost everything else in life.
We’re talking about creating a flow state.
And specifically, how to create a flow state in dating.
Because this is one of the areas where I see people struggle the most. They want to move forward. They want to meet someone. They want a secure relationship. But the process feels heavy, frustrating or draining before they even begin.
A flow state changes that completely.
Instead of feeling like you’re dragging yourself through something difficult, you start to feel momentum. Life begins to meet you halfway. Things begin to click.
And the good news is that flow is not some rare, mystical state reserved for artists and athletes. It’s something you can cultivate intentionally.
In this episode I share four ways to begin creating that state in your life.
But first, let’s talk about where this insight came from for me.
How I Discovered Flow States
I used to associate flow mostly with creativity.
When I was painting, writing or working with ceramics there were moments where I would completely lose track of time. Hours would pass and I wouldn’t even notice. I felt energized, inspired and incredibly productive.
That’s what most people think of when they hear the phrase <em>flow state</em>.
But my biggest breakthroughs around flow didn’t actually happen while making art.
They happened after I had my son.
Suddenly I had less time and bigger goals.
I was parenting. I was teaching more formally about attachment healing. I was building programs and supporting more people.
And the time I had available to work was small and precious.
If I was going to accomplish the things I cared about, I had to figure out how to enter a state of productivity and creativity quickly. I had to learn how to move into flow much more intentionally.
At the same time, I was working deeply with attachment patterns.
And something started to become clear.
People with insecure attachment often feel like life itself is hard.
They feel unsupported. They feel like they are doing everything alone. They feel like things require enormous effort.
And when you feel unsupported by life, it is incredibly difficult to enter a flow state.
Flow requires a sense of support, possibility and openness.
That realization led me to see that learning how to create flow is not just about productivity.
It’s also about healing our relationship with life itself.
Why Flow Matters in Dating
If there is one area where people assume things must be hard, it is dating.
Many people start with a deeply ingrained belief that:
Meeting someone will take forever.
Dating will be exhausting.
Most people will be unavailable.
Finding a secure partner is extremely rare.
When those beliefs are running the show, the entire experience feels heavy before it even begins.
But when someone is in a secure attachment state, dating often feels very different.
They feel open.
They notice opportunities.
They talk to people more easily.
Conversations flow.
Connections appear in unexpected places.
They might meet someone at a coffee shop, through a friend, at an event or even randomly while running errands.
Things begin to click together.
That is the energy of flow.
And the beautiful thing is that we can intentionally cultivate it.
Let’s talk about four ways to begin doing that.
1. Explore Your Resistance
The first step to creating a flow state is very simple.
Notice what you’re resisting.
What actions are you avoiding?
If the area is dating, resistance might show up as avoiding the apps, avoiding events where you might meet people, avoiding vulnerability or avoiding making time for connection.
Usually there is a story attached to the thing we resist.
“This is going to be exhausting.”
“This is going to take forever.”
“This is going to be uncomfortable.”
Sometimes the interesting discovery is that the thing we’re resisting isn’t actually necessary.
For example, many people believe they must use dating apps in order to meet someone. But plenty of people meet partners through communities, events, mutual friends or shared activities.
In those cases, the solution is simply choosing a different path.
Other times the action is necessary but the story around it is inaccurate.
I have seen many clients assume dating will take years, only to meet someone wonderful within a few months once they begin.
When we explore our resistance with curiosity instead of judgment, breakthroughs begin to appear.
2. Ask the Most Powerful Question
One of the simplest questions I ask myself regularly is this:
<strong>What if this could be easy?</strong>
Not “how will this be easy.”
Just the possibility.
What if this could be easier than I think?
What if it could even be enjoyable?
When you ask that question, your brain starts working differently.
Your mind is actually a problem solving machine. When you ask a question like this, it begins searching for evidence, strategies and possibilities that align with the idea of ease.
You might suddenly notice someone who seems to move through dating with a lot of joy.
You might discover new ways of meeting people.
You might realize that one small shift could dramatically change the experience.
Just asking the question opens new doors.
3. Surround Yourself with Flow
The environments and people around us shape our emotional state far more than we realize.
There are people who naturally create a sense of possibility.
When you listen to them, you feel energized. You feel hopeful. You feel supported by life.
And there are also people who reinforce the opposite.
They confirm the belief that things are difficult, that relationships are impossible or that life is always a struggle.
If you want to create a flow state in a specific area of life, it helps enormously to surround yourself with people who already experience that flow.
For me, there are a handful of teachers, mentors and creators I return to regularly. Sometimes listening to them for even five minutes shifts my entire mindset.
Suddenly the thing that felt heavy begins to feel possible again.
When you identify those people or environments for yourself, you can return to them whenever you need to reconnect with that state.
4. Visualize the Outcome
The final practice is visualization.
Our minds naturally create images of what we expect to happen.
If we assume something will be difficult, our brains often project images of struggle, discomfort and failure. Those images activate stress in the nervous system.
But we can intentionally create different images.
Imagine yourself on the other side of the experience.
Imagine the date going well.
Imagine yourself feeling relaxed, energized and excited afterward.
Imagine that the whole process unfolded more easily than you expected.
This is not wishful thinking.
Athletes use visualization constantly because it helps the brain prepare for success.
When your nervous system relaxes and believes the outcome is possible, creativity and inspiration become much easier to access.
And that state makes flow much more likely.
The Energy of Secure Flow
When these shifts begin to happen, something powerful emerges.
Life starts to feel supportive.
Opportunities appear.
Conversations flow.
Connections happen naturally.
This is the energy that secure attachment lives inside of.
Secure attachment is not only about relationships with other people. It is also about our relationship with life itself.
When we trust that life can support us, we become more open, creative and connected.
And that openness allows flow to emerge.
Try One of These Today
If you want to experiment with creating more flow in your life, choose one of these practices and try it this week:
Explore the thing you’ve been resisting.
Ask yourself what if it could be easy.
Spend time with people or environments that energize you.
Or visualize yourself already on the other side of the experience.
Even one small shift can begin to change the way life moves around you.
Listen to the Full Episode
If you’d like to hear the full conversation and dive deeper into these ideas, you can listen to the podcast here:
🎧 Listen on Apple Podcasts
🎧 Listen on Spotify
🎧 Watch / listen to the episode here
And if this episode resonates with you, consider sharing it with someone who could benefit from feeling more supported and in flow in their life.
Because when more people feel resourced, secure and connected, we all create a better world together.
I’m so glad you’re here.
