Let’s be honest:
It’s incredibly confusing when someone says they want a relationship, but then acts like they don’t.
One minute, they’re sending heart emojis and talking about the future.
The next, they’re pulling away, rescheduling plans, or giving you vague one-word answers when you bring up anything real.
If you’ve been stuck in that push-pull dynamic—where you’re doing so much work just to keep the connection going—it’s possible you’re dealing with someone who’s emotionally unavailable.
What is emotional unavailability in dating?
Emotional unavailability means someone lacks the capacity or willingness to show up consistently and vulnerably in a relationship—even if they say they want love.
And even more frustrating?
Emotionally unavailable people don’t usually think they’re unavailable.
They think they’re just “not ready,” “not sure,” or “bad at texting.” (source)
Meanwhile, you’re left over-functioning, overanalyzing, and wondering if you’re the problem.
Want to understand why your brain keeps attaching to the wrong people? Take the free attachment style quiz here to find out what’s going on beneath the surface.
So let’s clear it up.
Here are some real signs that the person you’re dating might be emotionally unavailable—even if they seem charming, successful, or spiritually evolved on the surface.
1. They’re inconsistent
Some days, they’re hot.
Other days, they’re cold.
They might love bomb you on a weekend getaway, then go emotionally flat for days afterward.
This kind of inconsistency creates confusion and anxiety—and often keeps you stuck waiting for the “good version” of them to come back.
In secure relationships, consistency builds safety.
If you’re constantly second-guessing where you stand, that’s not love—it’s nervous system chaos.
2. They avoid hard conversations
If any talk about commitment, feelings, or needs gets brushed off, joked about, or shut down—pay attention.
Emotionally unavailable people often avoid emotional discomfort at all costs.
They don’t want to talk about what went wrong.
They don’t want to talk about how you feel.
They just want things to be “chill” or “easy.”
Spoiler: Secure relationships aren’t built on avoiding conflict. They’re built on repairing it.
(For more on what secure love actually looks like, read this post: The Six Pillars of Secure Attachment)
3. They make you feel like you’re “too much”
If you’ve ever brought up a reasonable concern—like needing more communication or wanting to feel more emotionally connected—and been met with “You’re being dramatic,” “You’re overthinking,” or “Why are you making a big deal out of nothing?”
That’s a red flag.
Emotionally unavailable people often lack the capacity (or the willingness) to truly hold space for someone else’s feelings.
Instead of being curious or compassionate, they get defensive—or they make you feel like the problem for having needs in the first place.
4. Their words don’t match their actions
He says he misses you… but cancels plans.
He says he’s “all in”… but still keeps his dating apps active.
He says he wants something serious… but doesn’t ask questions about your life, your goals, or your heart.
When someone’s words and actions don’t align, believe the actions.
They’re showing you what they’re emotionally available for.
5. You’re doing all the emotional labor
You’re initiating every conversation.
You’re the one making plans.
You’re the one trying to understand them, regulate your emotions, and make the relationship work.
You’re not dating a partner.
You’re dating a project.
And listen—I get it.
For years, I was stuck in patterns just like this.
Dating men who said the right things, but never showed up in a secure way.
Trying to manage their ambivalence with my effort.
Telling myself, “If I just stay cool, supportive, and chill, maybe this will turn into something real.”
It didn’t.
What finally helped me shift those patterns wasn’t just more dating experience.
It was understanding why I was attracted to emotionally unavailable men in the first place.
Why I kept being drawn to connection that felt familiar instead of secure.
And how to actually rewire my attachment style so I could stop chasing breadcrumbs and start building real love.
If you’re tired of repeating this pattern…
You’re not broken.
You’re not too much.
And you’re not destined to be the one who always gives more than she gets.
But you do need to understand what’s happening beneath the surface—and what it actually takes to stop recreating this pattern.
If you’re ready for real tools, deeper insight, and actual change, I’d love to invite you into my free training:
👉 Why Love Feels So Hard When You’re Anxiously Attached
In it, I’ll walk you through:
- Why your nervous system gets stuck on people who don’t choose you back
- The myths that keep anxious attachers hustling for crumbs
- The exact steps to shift into a more secure, empowered version of yourself—without abandoning your heart
This pattern doesn’t have to be your story forever.
And the right partner will want to show up for you.
You don’t have to earn love by working harder.
You just need to become someone who knows how to receive it.
