When it comes to love and relationships, my path has been anything but straightforward.
For over two decades, I found myself stuck in a pattern of dating emotionally unavailable men—men who couldn’t commit, who were “in a dating phase,” or who lived far away.
No matter what I did, I kept recreating this dynamic, and for the longest time, I couldn’t figure out why.
Today, I want to share how I transformed my attachment style and finally shifted this exhausting cycle.
I’ll walk you through the steps I took, the insights I gained, and how it ultimately led me to the fulfilling, secure relationship I enjoy today.
Trying Everything
My personal growth path began early.
I attended my first transformational workshop in junior high, and from that point on, I was hooked on the idea of healing and growing.
Even without the relational wounds I carried, I think I would have been drawn to this work.
Helping others and expanding my understanding of myself and the world has always been a core part of who I am.
But my biggest motivator for diving into healing work was the painful pattern I kept repeating in relationships.
Time and again, I found myself with partners who were unwilling or unable to fully commit.
They were emotionally unavailable, in love with other people, or simply “not that into me.”
It was heartbreaking, and I was determined to figure out why this kept happening.
Over the years, I explored countless healing modalities.
I attended workshops, became a life coach, trained as a peer counselor, and even ran a healing center for 13 years.
Later, I became a therapist, dedicating thousands of hours to individual therapy and healing practices.
While these experiences were transformative in many ways, none of them fundamentally changed my relationship patterns.
The same painful cycles continued to play out, and I couldn’t figure out why.
It wasn’t until I discovered attachment theory and began studying couples counseling—specifically PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy)—that everything started to shift.
Discovering Attachment Theory
Studying PACT marked a turning point in my healing.
As I worked with couples and observed their attachment dynamics, the light bulbs started going off for me.
I began to understand how deeply ingrained my patterns were and why they had been so difficult to change.
Before this, I had identified my attachment style as anxious.
I had read the popular book Attached and tried all the common advice: go to therapy, regulate your nervous system, work on your emotions.
But none of it made a significant difference.
I was still drawn to unavailable partners, and the same patterns kept repeating.
Through my work with couples, I began identifying specific strategies anxious individuals use in relationships.
These patterns, developed in childhood, were designed to protect us but often caused problems in adult relationships.
For example, one common pattern is being overly accommodating—bending over backward to please a partner.
Eventually, this leads to frustration and resentment, which may result in lashing out.
I identified 12 such patterns within anxious attachment and began working on them in myself.
By addressing these patterns head-on, I started to make real changes.
I learned to stop overextending myself, to regulate my nervous system without relying on relationships, and to bring my energy back to myself.
Understanding Secure Attachment
Another game-changer for me was understanding what secure attachment truly looks like.
As I studied couples and their dynamics, I started to see the behaviors and thought patterns that distinguish secure individuals from those with insecure attachment.
This insight was invaluable.
It helped me identify secure individuals while dating and recognize the red flags of insecure behaviors.
More importantly, it gave me a clear vision of what I wanted in a relationship and the type of partner who could meet those needs.
Understanding secure attachment shifted my perspective entirely.
I stopped blaming myself for attracting the wrong people and began focusing on creating the conditions for a secure, fulfilling relationship.
Healing the Receiving Wound
One of the most profound aspects of my healing was addressing what I now call the “receiving wound.”
When you grow up in an environment where emotional support is scarce, you learn that love and care are hard to come by.
This belief becomes deeply ingrained, and as adults, we often struggle to fully receive love and support, even when it’s available to us.
Healing this wound required a radical shift in perspective.
I began to open myself up to the immense amount of love and support that exists in the world.
I practiced receiving—letting myself feel cared for and allowing love to fill my heart.
This shift was life-changing.
It helped me move from a place of scarcity to one of abundance, where I could truly feel supported and loved.
Creating a Relationship Map
The final piece of the puzzle was reclaiming my power as a creator of my own life and relationships.
I created what I call a “relationship map,” a detailed vision of the kind of relationship I wanted to create.
This map outlined everything I was committed to building in a partnership and served as a guiding light for my dating experiences.
Having this vision transformed my approach to relationships.
It filled me with excitement and inspiration, and I carried that energy with me as I dated.
In fact, it became a natural filter—when I shared my map with potential partners, it quickly became clear who was aligned with my vision and who wasn’t.
When I met my now-partner, sharing this map led to an incredible conversation about our shared dreams and values.
It was clear from the start that we were deeply aligned, and the rest is history.
Closing Thoughts
Shifting my attachment style wasn’t easy, but it was worth every step of the process.
Through understanding attachment theory, healing old wounds, and reclaiming my power as a creator, I was able to break free from decades of anxious-avoidant patterns.
If you’re struggling with similar challenges, know that change is possible.
You have the power to create secure attachment within yourself and build the kind of relationship you’ve always dreamed of.
For more resources and support, feel free to explore my website or reach out for a conversation.
You deserve love, connection, and a relationship that truly fills your heart.
