I'm sefora!

I have been a transformational leader and coach for over 20 years. As a therapist, I am trained in how psychobiology affects your relationships and how to create secure attachment. I studied attachment work for 2 decades both personally and professionally. Changing your attachment style is possible. I'll be honest, it takes grit! But there are things that most people can learn that can improve their attachment in relationships. 

hello,

Ready to stop chasing love?

tell me more

Check out my 6 week course on Anxious Attachment

 

The conversation about consent has reached a fever pitch and is getting some well-deserved attention that allows us to look more closely at how we approach sex in dating and beyond.

But there’s still something missing; something that I see in my couples counseling practice more often than you would believe:

There’s no conversation about how extremely difficult it is for people to talk about sex in general.

I get it. We’re a society that arose from puritanical values, and sex is an uncomfortable  topic. But I have seen couples who have been together for years, married for decades, and they are still struggling with how to talk about sex with each other.

They don’t know what turns the other person on or off; they often don’t know how to talk about what turns their partner on. They don’t really know how to address what feels best sexually, or what the other person’s desires or fantasies are. A lot of the time, they don’t even really know what their own turn-ons and fantasies are!

This starts to become a problem way before long-term commitment, because talking about sex starts when you’re dating. Consent becomes tricky when you don’t know how to talk about what you do or don’t want to be doing sexually, and the conversation is not happening.

I understand the hesitation. Most people think talking about sex and consent will affect the mood, make it less sexy, or make the other person feel uncomfortable. You might want to “go with the flow,” let things happen naturally, and follow your feelings to be able to decide in the moment whether or not sex is right.

The problem is that cues are very easily misread! Your feelings of lust and desire cloud your better judgment, and then mistakes happen. When people are not reading each other correctly, the door is wide open for a grey area of consent that is confusing, harmful, and easily avoidable.

In my experience, one of the things that can be really sexy is a person who can be really clear about what they want; how they do and don’t want to connect with someone. Clarity takes the pressure off, which is a huge mood killer.

If you want to be sexual and not have intercourse, for example, try saying, “I’d love to makeout with you and connect with you, but I don’t want to have sex with you tonight. So, as long as you can keep that boundary and not pressure me, I’m down to keep hanging out with you.”

People, this not an invitation to try harder and get the person who says “no” to give up their boundary! On the other side, when someone expresses their boundaries clearly, take them seriously. Let the anticipation of the next time you get to be sexual with this person grow, like a gift you get to open later. Being sexual with someone should be mutually pleasurable, not a race to a finish line that only you get to enjoy.

I understand that it’s scary to make your boundaries explicitly clear. You might be afraid that it’s going to come across too seriously, or it’s going to be too difficult to use those words.

But a lot of the time, what gets in the way of speaking about your experience or boundaries is an area of growth that’s worth working on. If you’re afraid that someone is going to think that you’re too much if you talk about sex and consent, then you might not be dating people who really value your full being.

SaveSave

Get a free
e-book to 

support anxious attachment

download now

Real talk:

In an era of psychobable, social media pop-psychology, and a landscape where you can toss your hat and have it land on another “coach”, Sefora brings thousands of hours working as a therapist with couples, and 24 years of experience in the transformational industry.

Sefora has a Masters in Counseling Psychology, and is a licensed Marriage Family Therapist with over thirteen years of clinical work under her belt.

She knows how to explain attachment behavior in clear, you-can-take-action-with this-language, so that you can stop spending your time trying to get your needs met, and get back to planning your next blow your mind vacation.

There are a lot of people sharing about attachment styles these days.  You may even have a dusty copy of "Attached" sitting on your shelf.  How is Sefora different?

And Who is this again?

Hey there, I'm Sefora

so hot right now

Watch Now!

Why Love Feels So Hard When You're Anxiously Attached

A free on-demand training

The 23-minute video that helps you finally understand your patterns—and shows you how to shift into secure love.

You’ve read the books and tried to communicate better, but love still feels like work. This free training helps you understand why you're stuck—and gives you the exact shifts that move you from anxious to secure. You’ll leave with real clarity, emotional relief, and the first steps toward the kind of love you’ve always wanted.

Sefora 

RAY

THERAPY and RELATIONSHIP COACHING for PEOPLE WHO WANT TO THRIVE

© therapytothrive 2022 |  brand photos by Photos by dana Hargitay

Website design by Jennifer Knox

Website powered by showit

Free On-Demand Training with Sefora Ray, MA, LMFT

Why Love Can Feel SO Hard When You Are Anxiously Attached

Pop your best email in here and start watching the training now!