Knowing your attachment style can be incredibly helpful in any relationship, but especially in your romantic ones. Attachment styles are how we learn to relate to the people we care about, formed by how our parents/caregivers treated our emotional and physical well-being when we were young. Anxious attachment is just one of those styles. If you have an anxious attachment style, you probably learned from aloof or often absent caregivers that to get love, you need to be constantly vigilant, control your environment, and keep others very close to you. When your loved ones leave or need space, you have a strong anxiety [...]
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5 Ways To Help Avoidant Attachment and Create Security Now Knowing your attachment style, or how you relate to the people you love, can be incredibly helpful in romantic relationships. Attachment styles reflect how we were parented, and as most parents are fallible, our attachment styles aren't always secure. Avoidant attachment is one of these styles. If you’re an avoidant attacher, you probably learned from your parents/caregivers that reaching out for comfort when you were upset or in pain would lead to rejection. Or, it’s possible that the help you received was not actually supportive. You learned very young how to [...]
See if any of these scenarios feel familiar to you: You’re arguing with your partner and start to feel overwhelmed. Even though they’re asking you to stay, you need to get out of there. You leave and ignore your partner’s calls for several days. Your partner wants to snuggle up with you on the couch, but you start to feel annoyed and angry with their clingy and needy behavior. You seem to be the one who is “logical” in your relationship, and your partner seems to always want to talk about feelings and emotions. You had an [...]
The conversation about consent has reached a fever pitch and is getting some well-deserved attention that allows us to look more closely at how we approach sex in dating and beyond. But there’s still something missing; something that I see in my couples counseling practice more often than you would believe: There’s no conversation about how extremely difficult it is for people to talk about sex in general. I get it. We’re a society that arose from puritanical values, and sex is an uncomfortable topic. But I have seen couples who have been together for years, married for decades, and [...]
Pitching the idea of going to couples counseling to your partner is uncomfortable, to be sure, maybe even scary. It can be difficult to address getting counseling because, once the fight is over, you don’t want to rock the precarious boat that finally feels somewhat okay. Maybe you don’t think couples counseling will help because you can figure it out on your own, without talking to a stranger. Do you think that asking your partner to go to therapy with you means that you’re falling apart? A really common belief is that a couple shouldn’t go to counseling until something [...]
Imagine this scenario: You’re in a disagreement with your partner and things are getting heated. In the middle of the fight, your partner says, “Fine! I’m leaving and going to a friend’s house. I can’t deal with you right now.” How do you feel? If you answered shaky, nervous, abandoned, panicky, or inconsolable, you might be anxiously attached. Attachment styles are the framework of how we relate to being close to and dependent on someone. Usually, we learn how to attach to our loved ones from our primary caregivers when we were children. Our attachment style is also related to how [...]
Do you have a sense of how your diet and exercise contribute to your wellbeing and mood? Many of the clients that I see complaining of anxiety, depression, lethargy, or sleeplessness are surprised when I ask about their food and caffeine intake. It’s not that they don’t care what goes into their body, but oftentimes they’re unaware of how what they eat and drink is affecting their system. A therapist friend of mine was having low level anxiety in the morning that got so bad on BART one day that she had to get off the train and get some [...]