On Getting Fired

image

Getting fired is a lot like going through a breakup.  It can be devastating, relieving, shocking, really difficult, surprisingly easy or all of the above.  It shakes your stability and your routine. If getting fired from your job is in the devastating category, here are a few tips: 1) Remember that getting fired is like a death.  With death comes grieving and a lot of feelings.  Grieving typically has 5 stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.  You might catch yourself bargaining “If only I had just done this project on time then maybe I wouldn’t have lost the job.”  Or maybe you are in the stage of denial, which could mean that you are not facing the reality of how you will support yourself or get a new job after.  Allow yourself to grieve, forgive yourself and release any feelings connected to being fired. 2)  A lot of the suffering around getting fired is what decisions we make about it or the meaning that we attach to getting fired.  Like a bad breakup when someone says “I’ll never love again,” or “this was my one chance at love” we can feel like the job we lose was our only chance at doing what we want to do in life.  However, we can also make choices and decisions to learn our mistakes and choose something even better for us.  Practice choosing that this is an opportunity for you to come even closer to your dreams.  Practice believing that an even better job is around the corner. Learn what parts of the job you want to recreate, and which parts you want to make even better.  Like relationships, the next one is usually even better. 3) Getting fired is a huge opportunity.  It allows us to pause, take stock, and recreate our lives again.  Although sometimes we are tired of doing this or don’t want to do this, it is better to do it consciously than unconsciously.  Luckily, if you are fired you are often eligible for unemployment, which can help with the process of reevaluating and contemplating next steps.  (It can also sometimes allow for a much needed vacation or road trip!)  This time of transition can allow you to set your North Node or Career goal for the next 5-10 years.  It can help you become more focused and allow your career to be more actualized. 4) Practice self care and being an ally for yourself!  Like with any stressful time, it can be common for our Inner Critic or Super Ego to go buck wild.  We can start blaming ourselves and attacking ourselves for life going the way it has.  Because we are stressed, we might also forget to do the self care practices that keep us sane.  As you go through losing a job, take it as an invitation to step up your self care.  Be as kind to yourself as you can, and spend time doing the things that bring you joy and keep you sane.  Hikes in nature, exercise, time with friends or time alone, meditation, massage, baths, journaling, reading a good book, playing games or spending time with pets are all examples of ways that you can take care of yourself.  Remember that the Inner Critic is especially strong in times of stress.  Practice interrupting self attack and focusing on ways to grow and learn from this experience. Read more »

5 Ways to Determine You Are Under an Inner Critic Attack

Finger-wagging-008

Often when I am working with my clients it is clear that one of the major reasons they are experiencing suffering is because they are having an Inner Critic Attack. This part of the self has lots of names.  Traditionally known as the Super Ego; it also goes by the Judge, the Gatekeeper, the Critical Parent and many other names. In other words, the Inner Critic is a part of the self that is attacking another part of the self.  Now, normally we don’t walk around experiencing ourselves as having different parts. If we have a fairly healthy ego, we just experience all thoughts in our head as our own. The problem with this is that many if not MOST of our thoughts didn’t originally come from us. So it can sometimes be helpful to separate out the part of ourselves that is attacking us, and distinguish it from supportive voices that can actually help us change. When I first notice a client’s inner critic, my client is often not able to tell that they are having an Inner Critic Attack. So here are 5 ways you can tell that you may be having an Inner Critic Attack: 1) The Wagging Finger: One of the easiest ways to tell if you are talking to yourself from the Inner Critic is if you feel like someone is wagging a finger at you. The Inner Critic says things like “You really should have…”, “You knew better than to…”, “If you had just…”, “You are never going to get better at…” and “You are so disappointing.” The experience is that you are being lectured or admonished by someone, only that someone is you. This voice generally has a little (or a lot) of disgust and disappointment in its tone, and it is also pretty sure that you are never going to change. 2) You Feel “Bad” About Yourself: Many of my clients can’t identify the thoughts or inner voice that is attacking them, but they can tell that they feel “bad” about themselves. That is because the main feeling that the Inner Critic elicits is shame, but most people are not able to identify that they are feeling shame. If you are feeling “bad” about yourself, you are probably experiencing shame about one or many things, and under an Inner Critic attack. 3) You Feel “Not Good Enough”: Technically feeling “not good enough” is not really a feeling, but it seems like it is. That’s because when you feel shame, it often comes along with the belief or thought that you are not good enough. This is your inner critic attacking you for one or many things. 4) Your Body is Hunched Over: Many of us work with computers and sit in desks for work and have a little hunch to our shoulders. This is not what I’m talking about. What I am referring to is the way that your body collapses and hunches over when you feel bad about yourself. This is the body’s natural response to the feeling of Shame. Your eyes become downcast, your shoulders hunch over and sometimes your feet turn in. You feel the impulse in your body to hide or withdraw from people. This is a big sign that you are having an inner critic attack. 5) You are Withdrawing, or Distracting Yourself With Addictive Behavior: We withdraw from people or distract ourselves with addictive behavior for all kinds of reasons. One reason why people withdraw or engage in addictive behavior is because they are avoiding the shame that occurs for them when they are around others. This shame is often attached to an inner attack that is going on in the background of their mind when they are around other people. If you are withdrawing from others, or distracting yourself with addictive behavior, you may be having an Inner Critic Attack. Recognizing when you are under an Inner Critic Attack is one of the first steps towards ending the attacks. In the beginning though, it can sometimes be overwhelming to recognize how much you are under attack by yourself. Make sure you don’t attack yourself for attacking yourself!!! Begin to notice and separate the attacking/judging voice from other thoughts or voices that are more helpful. Stay tuned for ways to interrupt and alleviate the inner attacks! Read more »

Transforming Hopelessness- Tip of the week: Don’t be afraid of what you don’t know

Winter landscapes photographed in and around Wheatley, Oxfordshire, UK

Sometimes when I am working with clients they feel hopeless because they have identified that there is something that they don’t know how to do.  Sometimes this is a capacity that they haven’t learned (such as creating boundaries or sharing from their heart).  In other cases it is a practical skill that was never taught to them (bookkeeping, scheduling).  Sometimes it is just that the future is unknown, and they want it to be known, dependable. Here is a tip that can really relieve a lot of stress: There is great beauty and blessings in not knowing.   First of all, if you are able to identify something that you don’t know how to do, it  is a great opportunity.  If you know you don’t know something, you can learn about it from an expert.  Admitting that you don’t know something allows you to reach out to others that do know a lot about that thing.  There are a lot of experts out there and this is the information age, where a lot of expert information is free.  If you pretend like to you do know something that you don’t, you are not allowing yourself to learn from people who have a lot to teach you. Secondly, there is great freedom in the mystery of the unknown.  So many of us are brought up to pretend like we have all of our stuff together all of the time.  Allowing yourself to not know can be a huge relief.  It can actually free up a lot of energy that you have been using to “know it all”.  Not knowing can bring back wonder.  In this age when we wonder something, it is not uncommon for someone to say “let’s google it” to find out the answer.   Although the power of having that information at our fingertips is incredible, sometimes it leads to a lack of wonder and awe about life.  The world is full of incredible things that can amaze and awe us.  That amazement and wonder can be present when you don’t know something. It can lead to excitement for how things will unfold. So, let yourself try it this week. 1) Try not knowing and let yourself learn from an expert. 2) Try not knowing and see if you can feel the power and mystery of wondering how it will all unfold. Let me know how it goes! Read more »

Transforming Hopelessness #2

276760339570810209_BDEDYRmu_f

“The doorway To your creation Is your wanting. Desire gave birth To the world.   Let yourself want my friend, Each wish is a blessed Treasure.   Let yourself want my friend, The Earth longs To hear your Whisper.   Let yourself want my friend, For your yearnings Are not too big, Not impossible In the scope of all That is.   Let yourself want my friend, I promise it won’t break you But bring you closer To your Greatest Power. ” -Sefora Janel Ray   Wanting.  Desire.  Longing.  It’s crazy how we can sometimes keep ourselves from really feeling what it is that we want.  I’ve noticed that with a lot of my clients, they are really clear on what upsets them, or what is not working, but they have no idea what they want.  And if they figure out what they want, they are not clear on what that would actually look like.  Knowing what it is that you want, and what that wanting looks like is an essential step to creating a satisfying life.  It is also a really important practice to having happy relationships.  So many couples know what they hate about what their partner is doing, but they haven’t identified what it is they want to experience with their partner. Why aren’t we clear on what we want?  A lot of us have received messages in our lives that what we want isn’t possible, or that it is selfish to want.  Sometimes we are just in a habit of complaining.  And sometimes we just haven’t created the time to sit down and ask ourselves, “What do I want? What does that look like?”  I think that we often don’t realize the great creative power at our fingertips.  And the doorway of that power is our wanting. So what is something you are struggling with right now?  What do you want?  What does your heart long for?  And what does that look like?  What does it feel like? Revel in the power of your wanting! Read more »

Transforming Hopelessness #1

Hopelessness—it hits most of us, one time or another. Sometimes I feel like most of my clients are trying to convince me that some part of their lives is hopeless.  They have all kinds of reasons that they can’t have the relationship, the career, the health, the money or the peace that they want.  At the same time, a part of them desperately wants to know that it is actually not hopeless after all.  It’s like a clash of the two movies “Reality Bites” and “Field of Dreams”.  One part of them is despondent and depressed, and the other part is hoping beyond hope that if they build it, they will come. Which role do I hold?  I hold a place of possibility and belief.  I believe completely and fully that my clients can have what they want out of life.  I believe what they dream of is possible. But let me just say, I am not coming from a magical thinking, “if they just say a bunch of cheesy affirmations it will all just happen” perspective.  I know that there is practical work that we all need to do, in order to accomplish our dreams.  I also know that there truly is hope.  It is possible.  Let me say that again: It is possible. How do we live with a sense of possibility?  How often do we listen to our friends and community from a place of believing in what is possible?  How often do we bolster the dreams of those around us?  Or do we align with people’s fears?  Do we agree with them, and help them grow doubts? I notice the pattern of agreeing about hopelessness a lot with women when they are talking about dating.  One woman might say “yeah, there are just not a lot of good men out there” and then another woman say’s “yeah, you are so right about that.”  Ladies, how is this supposed to help at all?  Of course there are great men out there; I meet them all the time.  The world is full of great men; there are literally hundreds of thousands of them. Okay, so how do we start moving out of hopelessness into possibility?  The easiest place to start is often with other people.  For some reason, we are generally able to support others better than ourselves in the beginning. Start with how you listen.  Did you know that how you listen to someone can dramatically change their experience?  If there is a friend that is struggling with something they might feel is hopeless, as you listen to them begin to imagine what it will look like when their situation is resolved.  Imagine them capable, worthy and competent to solve whatever is plaguing them.  Imagine all the possible ways that their situation might get worked out.  Imagine them happy and joyful. Hold all of this possibility while you are listening to them compassionately.  Then, if it makes sense, tell them how you can see them getting exactly what they want.  Tell them about your image of them being capable and worthy of all they want in life.  Share with them the image you have of them fulfilled and happy. Then, notice what happens.  How do you feel speaking these possibilities to your friend? What kind of reaction do you get?  Does it lift your mood at all? Practice listening for possibility, and let me know how it goes! Read more »

The Dragon’s in Our Lives

I love this poem from Rilke: “Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.” I think about it a lot when I am working with my clients.  So often we have strong feelings of pain, jealousy, disgust or rage that seem like awful feelings.  In a way, those feelings are dragons.  They seem gnarly and evil, snarling at us to pay attention to them.  They also feel out of control and like they are causing havoc in our lives. But most of the time when one of these “dragons” come up for my clients, my response is “Great!”.  Usually the person has something that needs tending to.  And that’s where the princess that needs saving is.  Usually under all of the rage or pain, there is a helpless part of us that never got his or her needs met.  It might be a lonely 4 year old, or a scared 7 year old huddling in the corner. So what do we do with that little prince/ss inside that needs saving?  Save them of course! We are after all, the hero that we have been waiting for.  It can be a little tricky sometimes, but if we can see past the dragon of feelings, to the younger part that needs saving, we can often soothe that young part.  We can identify what that young part of us needs to hear and say it to them. So, you might be thinking “What do you mean Sefora? Talk to myself?  Isn’t that a bit strange or psychotic?” Yes, I do mean talk to yourself.  Although this doesn’t have to be out loud.  And if you think about it, you are probably already talking to yourself all the time–just critically.  I mean how many of us have internal dialogues that say “you really shouldn’t have done that” or “come on, get your act together!”  So I am suggesting that you try saying some nice things to yourself.  But specifically, saying something to the sweet, little, young, scared part of you the things that it needs to hear.  Examples are “I see you”, “you’re safe”, “you’re loved”, “you’re beautiful” etc…  It helps to actually imagine a young child you that really needs assurance. If you can soothe that part of yourself, then you really do become the knight in shining armor.  Over time, the need to have someone else save the day lessens as well. So go for it.  Be the roaring dragon, be the princess needing saving, and the prince all in one swoop! Read more »